Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Throws of lust
I was going crazy. I had been thinking, more like obsessing over women and girls ever since I could remember and now, it was too much. I guess, I always took pride in being a person who had it all under control, well behaved and a baal midos, but what could I do if my desires were out of control? It was almost as if it wasn't asking me what it should do, it was demanding that I make a move. I did not know, at that time that it was possible to masturbate and my body was on fire. I had been under so much fear and stress, that my desires craved the relief they knew they could give me. I needed a girl. That's it, I knew, for sure that thats what I needed. It made sense. But how? How do I get a girl? I felt so awkward and scared. I am a frum boy. I knew that it had to be wrong. I also knew that I was angry, scared and lost. Somehow, I knew that, I was not in the ideal shape to meet a girl. I once met a girl who was attractive to me. Honestly, I just didn't know what to do. All I wanted to do was hump her or feel her and touch her and lose myself in her arms for just a couple of minutes. I knew it had to be possible but somehow it was not. Something was wrong with me. What would it take? How do I become a person who can be with another person? How do I ask for what I want? How do I get what I want? How do other people do it? Who would I need to be to have sex? Somehow, I felt that I'd need to change? Who would want to have sex with me? What was I? What do I have? What do I stand for? What can I offer. I was an empty shell of a person, lost, confused, scared with no identity. How will I ever get this together?