Thursday, November 5, 2009

I remember taking my Rebbe's advice. He told me to go to a moshav and take a break. I didn't know anyone. I found a ride. I stayed at someones home for a day. Then I found myself in trailer. I got a huge spider bit. This was s weird situation. I remember the rooster crowing at dawn. That was nice. There were some nice feelings but I was quite far away from doing what I needed to do to get better. I was in too good of shape to turn around. I had my mind fixed on an idea and I want' going to let go. I knew that my success depended on the impression I could make. I knew that the impression had to do with the amount of learning I knew. I had to keep on learning, I couldn't let my friends get ahead. While I was up at the moshav, they were flying ahead. I couldn't let that happen so while I was at the Moshav, I studied mishnayos Yevamos.(A fairly difficult massechta) I remember thinking, "I just can't stop, this is no break, what am I doing to myself, why can't I stop?' I felt the chaos and the whirlwind. I felt out of control. I didn't know anything else so it felt as normal as anything had been but if there is any mechanism in the body that tells us when things are out of whack, that mechanism had sixty alarms ringing in my ears, but of course I wouldn't stop. I knew that these alarms and warnings were all the hidious acts of the yetzer hara (evil inclination) trying to stop me from learning. Better yet, sometimes I even felt that somehow what I was doing was wrong but I didn't know of anything else do do and I was surely too afraid to stop. I was making headway, all was going as planned and I was going to continue pressing on because the gold, I knew, was up ahead, whether it would be in this world or the next, Torah was the source of all life and if I just kept at it, everything would be alright.