I struggled so much. I hated my life so much. Why couldn't my mind just shut up? It was always talking, always questioning. I had so many questions. I didn't believe there was a god. I just couldn't convince myself. I didn't see it and so I didn't believe it. Somehow, I needed to know for sure. I just couldn't buy that the Torah was written by god. I needed to know for sure and there was nothing that would comfort me. This cause me great distress. I needed things to be ok. I needed them to be in order. If I asked any questions, I would be viewed as a heretic. I couldn't afford to be looked at in that way. I already felt like I needed to be on guard about my reputation and this would but a dangerous dent in it. I needed to just keep this to myself until I got married. I imagined that,once I got married I could tell people who I truly am but until then I better keep things to myself. It just ate me up inside. I didn't want to wait, I needed to be honest, I needed to be able to talk. How will I ever be me, if I can't talk? How long can I go on like this? The lies hurt so badly. The pain and the hiding was like a dagger that kept stabbing at my insides. I couldn't understand how life could be so bad, I intrinsically felt like there had to be a way for it to make sense but I was just not finding it. For now, I had this general feeling that as long as I would keep everything to myself, all would be ok. I am the only source of information about myself. If I didn't tell anyone, there was no way for them to know. Although there was a certain temporary pleasure of self control in this measure, the fear of being found out was so great. The pain of not being able to share who I really am and what I was struggling with was even greater.
Yes, I did make some attempts to bring resolution to all my predicaments. I did ask a friend of mine if I could speak to his father, who I knew worked with baalei teshuva, I figured that he could help aleviate some of my questions. For me, this question asking session, was an attempt in the right direction but it didn't bring the kind of resolution I needed. I was way too nervous and insecure about way too many things for me to be relaxed by some superficial answers to my questions. I also felt that I was holding back my true questions and frustrations. I couldn't let anyone know those. I also needed so much more than answers to philosophical questions. I needed to cry, I needed to scream. I needed to know why I was in so much pain all the time. I needed to know why I was so scared. No, it would be a very long time before I could admit that I was in pain. Things would have to get a lot worse before I could admit that something was very wrong. For now, I'd just continue to hide. Hopefully that would do what it was supposed to do, help the days go by as painlessly as possible.
