Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sometimes I wonder how bad to things have to get before they get better? How much pain does one have to feel before he begins to think? I was so blind, so hidden in such a deep pit from my deepest most natural self that I was able to delude myself for so long despite the pain I was feeling. I was always into self improvement and introspection so the pain did call my attention to something that was happening within me but most of the time my inquiries gave me nothing that would come close to exploring the real problem. I once spoke to an old friend of my fathers living in Har Nof. He had a sense of peoples struggles. He was a calm man. He was a good man. I was suffering so much. I was in so much pain but I could barely put words to it. I don't remember much of our interaction but he told me something that was, at the time, pretty disheartening. I must have expressed the hopelessness of my situation and he must have said "It may take ten years, but eventually, if you keep at it, you will have a good day". I needed a solution much faster than that, I didn't have ten years to wait. In reality, that's about how long it has taken to begin feeling a semblance of joy, heart and presence to life.