Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I was visiting monsey. Yehuda S. had told me that his mother would love to see me. How do I say no, she's 90 years old. How do I say no, I knew her husband, the mashgiach so well. How do I say no. I love him so much and regretted so much not getting to no him more. In a way, she was the closest I could get to knowing him. Whatever reason, I went to see her. I probably wore a cap because a yarmulka would really be a lie. She is a very special woman and I was glad to see her. She told me that she davens for me. She told me that she wants me to go back to being a yeshiva bachur. How do I explain anything to her. No, I had attempted with some people but I had not intentions of trying to explain anything to her. I was way beyond that. I just realized that in her way of looking at things, her picture of me would not be complete until she saw me in a hat and jacket once again and I had not intentions of that happening. Also, even if I had wanted that, I was not even more repulsed by the superficiality of it. She didn't even think of ask about how I was feeling. Not that she didn't care, but she only saw the need to have her physical image of me fulfilled and complete. It almost seemed as if she had no conception that wearing a hat and jacket didn't mean anything about religious devotion let alone mental health and stability. None of those things were even worth bringing up. No explanation necessary, just a cordial goodbye and thank you. Nice to have that door close behind me. It was a little painful, but I Knew there was no other way.