For a long time now, food had been my best friend. It had comforted me when things had gone so wrong. I had a constant need for more food. Now, having a little money, I was able to have even more food. I discovered the fascinating world of sweet. These sweets were such beloved friends. I would just sit in the parking lot of the Super Market and eat until I couldn't move, then I"d go to sleep, for a little bit, I couldn't think, that was good. Then, when I had more energy, I'd get up and eat what I had left over.The food helped me not to think of the many questions that I had and decisions I had to make. I loved them so much. I hated me so much. I hated all the things I didn't know. I hated all the questions I was scared to ask. I hated my life. I hated what had happened. Most of all, I didn't want to truly look at all that had happened. Where did I go wrong? What can I make of this life? I have nowhere to go. I just knew that I couldn't have a career. I knew that I couldn't devote myself to something else. I knew that Torah was really the only way to go, although I began to doubt this just a bit, I could not let go of the image of the Rabbi and leader I had aspired to for so long. What should I do with that image, all that longing? Is it over? Is that really possible that it's over? I need an explanation. You just can't leave me stranded like this. Tell me what happened to me!! Why am I like this? Why can't I go back? What happened? Why should I invest my time in anything else? If I don't know why it happened, why should I think that it won't happen again? Ice cream was great. Cake and chocolate always had answers. No exceptions. When I ate, I didn't have to think. Of course I hated this process. I knew I was avoiding so much but I knew I had no choice. I just knew that there was no way to face these questions. Facing them was just out of the question. I was just angry and confused. I felt sure that I was wrong for doing what I was doing. I was definitely going to hell and all I did was try to not think about the hell that I was building for myself. What was there to think about? What was there to face? It was simple, I was going to hell. I was seriously screwed. I also knew that I just had to have sex. I knew that I had to not study torah. I knew that each day, I was moving farther and farther away from the living spring of God and his mitzvos. I also knew that there was no way in hell that I would do them or study any Torah. I had to conclude that things were just not going to be that good for me.
One Shabbat, I was fed up. My ritual life had stopped existing, it didn't mean anything anymore. Until then, I had kept shabbat, I didn't do anything. I didn't show my face in Shul but I didn't desecrate the Shabbat, I just stayed home and read. I had started to go to 12 step meetings for my eating and the Shabbat came when I didn't know why I was keeping it. I had to go to a meeting, why should I keep shabbat? The meetings were giving me hope that I'd have some of my peace of mind back, how could it be bad? The shabbat was dry and dead and the meetings promised the possibility of god, hope and life. What would I choose? It was a tough decision, I knew God would kill me, I would definitely get into an accident. I felt like I was making a decision. It was a bad decision but at least it was a decision. I got into my car. It felt strange. It was different. Of course I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this day would come. I felt good. It felt strange, different, but it felt more natural. I needed to be me and this was a good way to start.
