Tuesday, November 24, 2009

downgrade? More authenticity?

The summer drew on and I started thinking of what I would do. I don't know how I had the courage but I walked into a kosher restaurant and asked if they needed anyone. "When do you want to start he asked?" "Tomorrow I said". I had been so bored, I needed something to do. I think I figured that getting a job was the next mature thing to do. It was quite awkward. I just find it hard to get keep my arms in order and get them to do what they needed to do. It was so hard to get comfortable with the Register. I had to write it out over and over again. I went home and tried to memorize where the different buttons were. I felt bad. For my coworkers who were 16 and 18 it was no problem, but I had to sweat it. What was wrong with me? Why does everything have to be so hard? In a way, I took pride in my struggle and rejoiced in my accomplishment. I taught myself to take pride that I was working and I kept at it. I must admit, I liked the physical labor much more, it gave my mind the time to think about all the things that it wondered and worried about. Yes, of course, in those first years of working at the restaurant I cursed my life. How could a talmid chacham end up picking up french fries off the floor. I knew that I was intelligent. I knew that I could use my brain for something. I had spend so many years using it. My mind was wanting to be used. I took so much pride in the mental and intellectual accomplishments that I experienced in yeshiva that my mind wanted to be stimulated. I felt like this kind of work was beneath my capability. I didn't understand why I was doing it. I didn't have the time to think. I couldn't afford to think. All I knew was that I needed to work and that staying busy was really good for me. It was just too hard to spend the time with myself. I knew that things had to change, I could feel the pain, I didn't know what was wrong and how to make it better, all I knew was that, I needed to push on and keep doing the next right thing and that somewhere down this road, things would have to get better. Truth is that I didn't want to think much about what exactly was wrong, I just hoped that if I did some good things, things would get better.