Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Anger in the parking lot

I was so angry. I couldn't believe that this amount of anger could be held in a person like me. I had never known myself to be an angry person. I thought I was a docile, quiet and peaceful man. What would I do with all this anger? I had no idea what it meant. Was I harmful? Could I hurt someone? Who was I angry at and when would it go? How would it go? I just couldn't imagine things going well if I was so angry. I hated myself. I hated my life. I would go into a parking lot and and lock the car. I'd make sure the windows were up and no one was around. Then I would just yell and scream and cry. I would hit the dashboard. I hoped that someone somewhere would hear my cries and help me. At that time I believed in the God that listened to cries and pleas of anguish. I hoped that he would help me, at the same time, somehow I felt that all the screaming wouldn't help. I was just in pain and I couldn't imagine what would take it away. Somehow, I just needed to be in pain. I didn't see how it would go and I didn't have any hope. I was in too much pain to wish that I could die. It would take time for me to begin to like life enough to wish I was dead. For now, I just couldn't imagine what had happened, what was happening and how it might get better,I was entirely consumed in the pain of disappointment and there was no solution in sight and neither was there an extra breath of space to consider that there might be one.