Monday, November 9, 2009

Post Yesh. confusion JC

Although there have been quite a number of tormenting season, to this life of mine, I don't think there were seasons much tougher than that first fall after I left Yeshiva. I had no idea where I belonged. I had no idea what was happening and what my future held. I would go occasionally to my old Yeshiva in Brooklyn for Shabbos. I was trying to feel associated with it. I hoped that, if someone wanted to look into me for a shidduch, they could at least hear that I was associated to a yeshiva. I had no idea what to do. I was scared. That's who I was, I was a ben torah, that's what I did all day, that's what I preached and that's what I stood for. How could I look at people now? Who am I? The only thing I stood for had collapsed. Who am I now? I had no place in society or amongst my friends. Worst of all, I had no place in me. I didn't see myself as a part of anything or representing anything. I finally found some work. I felt devastated. I considered working as the worst humiliation that anyone can experience. I had taken a lot of pride in being a ben torah, I was a man of god, I was a spiritual being, I was accustomed to spending all of my time in holy acts and holy thoughts, how could I now defile myself in this way. I found work in a store that sold TV's and Camera's. I was shocked at my fortune. What would people say? Has anyone ever heard of this kind of phenomenon, one day a respected as a masmid and the next day I'm selling TV's. This kept me busy for a while. I wallowed in my pain and let it sit. Of course I got furious and dejected once in a while, like all the time. I was shocked at how much anger and disappointment I had in me when I used to consider myself such and aidile bachur. This made me think. What is a baal midos? Who was I? Was I truly kind? Was I truly easy going? I saw a different side of myself now. I had feelings. There was a person in me. I had been hiding and now I was beginning to see the real me. Yes, it made me worried. Who am I really? Maybe there is a lot for me to know. I don't know if I want to know it. Sometimes was angry that I was thrown into this world of feeling, I don't want to feel, I just want things to be the way they were.