Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Avi's gone. (Wash)

The owners were trying to evict everyone. I didn't know what I would do. I was relying on Avi.
I wasn't used to finding my own place to stay. I didn't have a steady and significant income. I decided to do what I always did. I just didn't do anything. If I had to live in my car I was fine with that. For a while, I just lived in our old apartment as they began demolishing it. As I could tell, from the toilet, I wasn't the only one using our old apartment. The door was locked so I climbed in the window, when they took out the walls, I went upstairs. I was angry. Not doing anything to help myself was my form of rebellion. If you don't care for me, then I won't care for me until you feel bad that you didn't care. It went something like that. Either way, I didn't care enough to make things better. At the end Alan found out that I was living in my car and offered to help. By that time I had begun looking. I found out that Bill from the beach had spots in houses that he would rent out. He seemed nice and Alan would help me pay for it. I moved in. I was so happy. It was the first really nice shower I had had in a while. The bathroom, was clean and bright and the shower was warm and I just savored those moments of warmth and feeling like I had a home.

The people were nice and they were interesting. The experience felt a little more authentic because now I was getting to know the world. Until then, I had been in the Jewish community, now I was a man of the world. William was Chinese and then there was Pamela, who was Bill's girl friend who I later heard overdosed on drugs. Bian found himself in Jail somehow and Steve, an ex navy seal, scammed a group of people out of their savings and I was actually conned into driving them somewhere unknown. David, was also pretty interesting. His father was Jewish so we had something in common although he didn't have much of a connection with him. He was working two Jobs to pay for child support for his child who was up in Tahoe. Ishmael was an aspiring actor. He had talent, it actually seemed like he would make it. I don't know if he ever did. David was my closest friend. He was a musician and he helped me put out my first CD. I was lost, wandering and confused. I was trying to run as far as I could from anything Jewish. I was trying to fit in. I hoped that somehow, things would work out in a way where I would be able to drown out all the memories of my upbringing and my being a Jew. I hoped that somehow by associating with enough non Jews and different people of different cultures, I'd feel more comfortable, with myself amongst the people of the world.

Frank, officially slept in my room but he had built himself a fortress of sheets around his bed so he had privacy. He's just watch TV a lot of the day. He had a black Mercedes which he kept looking very nice. He was in AA, and we talked from time to time but nothing too friendly. I came home one day to find him drunk and ready to beat me up. He said, that he had heard me say that I thought that Jews were better than everyone else or something like that. I don't know what he meant but either way, it was a scary surprise and I just turned around and ran as fast as I could. Of course I didn't feel that great about myself for running but considering the amount of time he put into weight lifting, and considering how drunk he was, it was probably a good idea. I had to come back because I had no where to sleep. I crept toward the house slowly. I kept my eyes open. I don't know if anyone found out exactly what happened between us but when I walked in, David and two other people were trying to hold him back from beating me up. I can't say I felt very safe sleeping in the same room as him. I imagined him beating me up while I was sleeping. Shortly after that, I started thinking of moving back with the Jews. I needed a safe place to live. I can't say I felt great about it but I was ready.