Tuesday, November 10, 2009

fed up, must go

From time to time I would call Josh. He was the only one I could rely on to give me a compassionate ear. Somehow, he knew a secret. I didn't know what he knew, but from anyone who I had ever met, he was the only one who I thought may have an answer for me. How did I get into this mess? How do I get out? Josh had moved to California and his phone number was my life line. I barely got through but when I did there was always a word of encouragement. This time, I was really at odds. I was so lost and disturbed. I had no idea where my life was leading and what I could do. I had never imagined that things could ever turn out this way for me. He heard me out and then somewhere in the conversation he said "Why don't you come out to California?". As soon as he said that, it was as if I was there. "Of course!".This sudden sureness, came as a surprise. How could I be so sure? I thought, I had never been so sure about anything? I had barely ever gone out of the home town that I grew up in except to go to Yeshiva in Israel. I had barely been on a highway, I had barely been to NY City and my mind barely conceived of there being anywhere in the world except the beis medrash.My mind had surely not opened it's image of this country to include California. Yet here I was sure about one of the most uncertain decisions I would ever make. I welcomed the excitement and the promise it held. Since I had left Yeshiva, I never had a project that excited me the way this did. I felt the onset of a new life. Perhaps things would change. Actually, I did have an in cling of the realistic feeling that things will not change in a flash. I imagined that the aches and pains that I carried in my heart would most likely accompany me to California, yes I also knew that it would be wise for me to have a change of location. I craved to be in a place where people didn't know me. For a while I had been feeling the buildup of sexual frustration and I imagined that if I go to a new place, I would be able to have as much sex as I wanted without anyone knowing. I also had the idea that I may want to change. I didn't know how long the change would last but I thought I might want to experiment with different dress and I imagined that being on the other side of the country might afford me the opportunity to experiment without the consequences of people getting the idea that I had changed. I didn't know what would come. I was hoping to keep as much of my reputation as I could hold on to. I supposed that this might be just a short break. What would happen if I decided to go back to learning, which at that time, I imagined a quite likely possibility, what would people think. Being out of town would be a nice way to experiment and see if I truly want to be someone different. Who was this person inside me? Who was he and why was he so sad?