Saturday, November 7, 2009

I was so angry at myself. I always needed to grab another piece of gemara. I could barely enjoy any specific piece because I needed to move on. I needed to learn an amount that would gain me respect and recognition, I couldn't just sit here and try to figure out the gemara. As I would learn one piece, I was thinking about the next and what would happen if I was asked by my future father in law about another gemara? I needed to gain a sprinkling of gemara's from all over Moed, Nashim and Nezikin. I needed to make sure my bases were covered, that way people could get the impression that I'm well versed everywhere. Of course I enjoyed gemara enough that I was able to hide the blatentcy of my ulterior motive from myself. I was sick and I was crazed. It had taken a long time to conquer the world of gemara, to know how to learn. Now that I did, I felt like all the hights of respect and prestige were open to me. All I needed to do, was keep on learning, that's right, one foot infront of the other. Just keep at it. I knew that nothing could stop me now. I was on my way. I was well connected, well respected, a masmid, a baal midos, (a baal gaiva), and all good things that could be wished for in a potential son in law. If I just kept at it, I could be anything I wanted to be. What differentiated me from any other ben Torah? Nothing. Not only that, I felt the leadership burning in my soul. I felt the desire to inspire. This felt very real and true. I had begun teaching bachurim who were younger than me. I had remembered how I had struggled to learn how to learn. I had promised that I would master it and now I had looked forward to teaching it to others. I knew that I could lead. I knew that I was destined for greatness. I didn't know how and I didn't know when, but I felt it in my bones and I felt sure that I was on the right track.