Thursday, November 5, 2009

I found the perfect place to hide. Inside, in between the lines of the gemara, in the mind of the gemara, I could hide. This was the perfect place. No one could possible suspect that I was hurting inside. No one would think that I am getting away with murder. What could possibly be wrong with learning gemara. Not only that, every step of the way I would be getting closer to god and boy would that be good. I needed god. I felt so sad and so scared all the time that I needed a god to be close. More than that. I needed to feel like I was close to god. I had my doubts. No, of course I wouldn't tell anyone. I probably didn't admit it to myself either. No, god forbid, I shouldn't even think about it. Of course I had not doubt, I just had a problem. I couldn't get my mind to stay still. I couldn't get it to believe. I had all these questions. How could I know that this book was written by god? I would give myself fully to it, if only I could be convinced that it was authentic. Oh, it seemed like such a burdensome task that would never end. No of course I couldn't let anyone know how much this was tormenting me. I couldn't shake this already fragile boat. I Knew that I already has suspicious eyes on me. What would they do if they found out I had questions. I was going to keep everything neat and tidy. Cool, collected impression. they would know me as a standard, superb, and obedient yeshiva boy. No questions asked. So the questions simmered. It was so counter productive because the questions seemed to invite exploration and curiosity but I was not looking to open doors, I was not looking to wanter or question. All I wanted to do, was shut down my mind. I need to get these questions to stop. 'Can't you see?' I would shout silently to my mind,'you are destroying me!!" because of you, they will find out who I am and I will be ruined. I knew that if anyone found out that I had questions, i would be labeled as a heretic. Sure that's all I needed, people to see me as the one who asks questions about Emunah. No way! I wouldn't have it. I promised myself that I would be keeping all my questions and ideas to myself. I figured, as long as I keep my mouth shut, all will be all right. How would anyone find out, if I kept it all to myself? But there was one thing I forgot, or at least didn't admit it's importance to myself. How would I live? How could I live with all these unanswered questions burning inside. How could I face myself when I wasn't willing to admit to my most ardent desires. Yes, of course, I did feel the pain of this inauthenticity, but without having prior experience in self honesty, I figured, this must be the cost of success. This is just the way it is. No of course I couldn't have believed that fully. I like the truth, and the truth ate at my insides. Day and night it ate at my soul, it destroyed my heart and any morals I thought I had. How can anything in life have value, if I'm not willing to be honest about what I'm feeling. Although I refused to admit it, I had not feeling for what I was doing. I knew that my life must end. I had no idea how and I had no idea when, but I felt that as long as I wasn't being honest, nothing was going to be worthwhile and it went without saying that I wouldn't be honest. I simply couldn't afford to. How could I open my mouth when I had no idea what would come out? Somehow, I had a suspicion that there were many secrets inside that I was hiding that I had forgotten and that once I would open my mouth, they would have no choice but to pour forth. Oh, so much anger, so much hate, so much fear, oh, where would I put it all. Who would listen? What would happen if they did? I had to keep it inside. I felt evil. I knew there was a sad, unwanted boy inside me. I felt him. I knew him. He had been with me for so long. We had spent so much time together. I knew how sad he was but I didn't know what to do with him. I Knew he wanted to play but I knew I couldn't let him. I knew he wouldn't go away but I figured that as long as I didn't say anything, he'll be quiet. Maybe he'll even go to sleep. Oh, I hoped so much that he wouldn't wake. He was like a lion tearing through the insides of my chest. He was like a tiger gnawing away mercilessly at all the facods I had put up. He wasn't going to sleep. He would wander into my head during learning times. He made me miserable. I wondered how unfortunate I could possibly be to have this kind of voice follow me around. All my other friends could just learn and move on. Not me. I had a war going on in my head. Why did things have to be so difficult for me? Why couldn't things be simple like they had been for so many of my friends?