Monday, November 23, 2009

Get a raise?

How awkward can life get. The school year was comming to an end. I must admit that I tried to do as little as possible. I tried to be there as little as possible although when I was working I gave it my all. At the end of the year, when the principal called me in to his office, I had been rehearsing to ask him for a 5,000 dollar raise. The truth is, that I had done some incredible work with those kids but perhaps I was over estimating the dollar value of what I put in. Either way, he told me that he didn't have a job for me the next year. I was shocked. I felt rejected. Why didn't he warn me. In retrospect I am so surprised at my own surprize. How could I possibly be disheartened by losing this kind of job, like losing a migrane. I don't even know how I could have considered the possibility of staying at a job that was so antithetical to where I had hoped to be going with my life. In retrospect, I feel like I must have been so distant from what I truly needed and wanted that so many of my choices were imbued with confusion and lack of self acknowledgment. When the principal told me the good news, he also added 'but we'd love to keep you on call to do some substituting when we need it'. I find it strange that when he said this all my true feelings and directions came to the surface. Now I was rejected, I was angry and I was free. I realized that I needed to cut my ties and associations with the school. I had to live me, now. I hinted to him, at that point, that I was starting to have my own personal doubts about orthodox Judaism and that I don't think I would be the right person to do substituting. Maybe that was too much information to give to a man who was once my employer, but we had had a good rapport and I felt like I needed to tell him what I was up to. I didn't want him to call me and I didn't want him to be surprised if he saw me without a yarmulka or in a place that he would not expect one of his Rabbeim (or anyone else he knew) to be at. I didn't need any more surprizes, and I was trying to live in a world where everyone knew what I was up to. He told me that he would be glad to talk to me on issues of Emunah if I wanted. I was glad he understood what I meant and with that we parted. I was free. I was so happy. I could now put this bad dream behind me. I felt a new era of sweetness, freedom and honesty about to arrive. Although I worried and didn't know quiet what would be, but I felt it had to be better than the lying life of the past year. I did feel like I was taking a step downward from a position of respect and prestige to a life of anonymity and humility, but that's what I wanted. I wanted to be a nobody. I wanted to be in the dark . I wanted to be just a normal person with no attention and no eyes looking at me. I wanted to be able to be a boy, to be a kid, to have fun, to party to have a girl friend. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be me. Is that possible? Where do I start? Who am I?